Ever sense I was a teenager I have always tried to be close to my father. Doing things coming up that I had hoped would impress the socks off of anyone, I thought at least. To tell you the truth, I understand now that all my hard work to please one man whom I had a tremendous respect for, proved to be nothing more than me just being happy I made it through. The accomplishments definitely improved my life, but never was able to put a dabber on the relationship between me and that guy whom I call my father. Is it because I know no other, maybe that's it, reason I try so hard to be cool with that guy. Is it because he has a little cash in his stash, I struggle, and if the 2 meet in the middle, life would have a significance for once, maybe! Or could it just be love, genuine love for a man, I don't know. I say I don't know because in my family what does that word actually mean? In this family, it means nothing, no one around here cherishes the fact they found that feeling. No one around here really cares. So we die, we plan, we attend, then we move on without shedding one solitary tear, that's just how it is in this family. I have become immune to love, immune to life and death, family togetherness, having good parents, and trying to be close to family. I have found my own calling now, so I don't need them anymore, I wish I had him, my father. But who cares right, got to move on you know, got to have a life I can appreciate now right, Have to love the life I am in right now. My idles from Magic Johnson, to George Lopez, lived through hardships like this, and have come to with a smile. So I stare at their lives, & interweave my course in life behind theirs, that way success is already determined. This is one message below about weights that I asked my dad for. Most people look at the minimal situation at hand, but I don't think he realized it is a process, it's the combination I am upset at:
To: Yeah dad I know i been by there, I was just hoping I could get you to help me out a little for once is all, I know HOW you are, with that everybody got to hustle to get there own tip, but hey, if you don't see me, you know i got work and hustle to get what i need sense i got to look out for me, and no one including you gone help me out any. I can only hope sometimes you could help me like i helped you by trying to be the son you could say did what you asked of me(school,independence,etc), but hell, sometimes i feel it is no use being civil while everyone else hates, because i still have to ride in the same boat as the rest. yes pop you came up by saving up, but just like you was always gone, working, hanging, saving, look at me as the same way, because like you i have no help, i have rent to pay, and i have dreams that need to be meet, because i don't want to regret my life when I am 50, if i ever get there, so i got to keep moving. as you can see I do come around & see you, but also as you can see i am uncomfortable every time i am at your home, because I don't feel I belong there man, you know. who knows you may get mad at me for this, or understand me and love me more for this, I don't know, all the people who tried to help me in my life, friends and grandma's are now gone, so life is just that way for me, to be happy in my own body till I go too, because yes I feel alone all the time, wishing for a better family, but who cares right!
From: Do you want me to just buy the weights!
To: No I don't want you to do anything but feel me, & hope we can be cool enough to where you don't mind helping me out a little, and have it not be an issue all the time. I hate having to resort to this because of the stingy-ness in my own family. Damn Dad, going past all the bull-shit and your female life or whatever, I just want a pops that don't mind helping his son's, and is cool enough to ask for little things like a pair of weights. No man I don't need pity, I bought my weights already, it was a gesture i made, and a gesture you calmly refused that kind of made it an awkward situation over there more crazy, so I am not tripping man. You do what you like over there. Hell man, I will say again, I just wish I had a dad who was able to bring my brothers together, and wish we were a real family, and had a place, and a human being we could talk to about anything, was just there, have it all be OK, that's all. I say it now even more because it is a wish I think about everyday. i wish one day you would swallow your pride and be a cool ass dad, someday.
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